haha.. i forgot to blog about last nite... that piece of shit is really jinx la... keep cursing that i will roll down the stairs, and guess wad?? i nearly roll down the stairs... luckily i grab his arm in time, before i trip and fall and roll down together with my laptop!! irritating.. haha.. i shall never ever go engin and look for him le... :(

anyway, drank quite a bit last nite, and when i came back, instead of going to sleep, i went to eshac to play with the deeblockers.. haha.. and yar.. slept at 4 plus again... and i overslept today!! so was late in meeting the ethelonter 3 oc ppl for lunch.. it wasnt till fred called me that i really really wake up, and realised the potential of me being late for driving lesson too!! haha...

so i drag myself to ps to meet them for lunch, and after taking some photos and celebrating calvin's bday, i took cab to driving centre... the journey was supposed to be fast... but but.. the cab driver didnt take the expressway, but rather, took the super traffic jam route la.. and on his way, he was teaching me how to drive!! haha...

anyway, coz of the traffic jam, i was late!! and had to go look for the vehicle.. and guess wad?? i got back the same instructor as my 2nd lesson... i nearly fainted la.. and he told me he'll be taking me for both lessons... i nearly fainted again... and soo... i began my adventure with him.. haha.. on the real road!!! imagine how scary is that...

some stoopid driver honked at me la... while i was driving pass the paya ubi industrial building... stoopid old man... hrmph! irritating... den i was thinking if some stoopid van honk me and it so happen to be driving a van with HLC logo, i will march into the company and scream at the person later!!! but luckily nv la.. haha... and i later realised that my dad was at home... irritating...

and i was super scared of speeding la... and he insist i must drive faster.. so yar... and it's really irritating when u are trying to drive and pedestrians keep jaywalking... and u have to slow down in order not to knock into them.. and oso... freaking hooligans who juz overtake without signalling, and barely miss ur vehicle... hate them!! in the end... after my first 1oo mins with him, he didnt pass me... so i spent 200 mins learning gear shifting and braking which he still didnt pass me for my braking!! haiz... but i scare him to death again.. haha... i always do tt..

darling in nuh now.. stoopid girl.. dun pick up my call la... irritating... i wanted to go pei her one.. but cant, coz i dunno where is she exactly now... haiz... and i'm really worried lor... after wad she told me... make me more and more scared... sianz... shall go continue calling her..

****************************************************
saw someone juz now while rushing to take cab... i dunno y, but my mood changed... i'm tired of feeling that way.. and yet.. i cant seem to control myself... i knew there's a possibility of me seeing him sitting there when i choose to walk that route... but i still choose it... i could have missed him if i didnt turn over and see if he's there, but i choose to turn and look.. and yar.. he was there... but he didnt see me... or at least i dun think he did... my heart juz stop beating at that moment... i didnt walk over.. coz i'm late? nope.. is juz there's no use doing anything now rite?

on my way back, i suddenly remembered all the times we used to spend together.. even long before this happened... juz suddenly felt like crying.. but didnt... i've learn to realise that crying doesnt solve anything at all... so why waste ur time on it? maybe i shud learn to forget things too... if only that can be learned...

tot i wouldnt be the one who is hurt..

tot i was relieved that this whole thing have finally ended..

tot i would be strong enough to face u normally...

tot i would nv think about it again...

tot i could finally be free again..

tot i would not have the feeling to cry again after sunday..

tot we could still be normal frens...

tot i could learn to be alone...

but i was wrong...

u made me learnt that i really hate to be alone..

u made me come out of the pretence that i've been putting on for soo long...

u made me feel that it really is alright to be afraid once in a while..

but it's all over..

i noe it's my fault that this happened..

i noe i shouldnt have allowed this to happen in the first place...

i'm really tired now.. when will i finally be able to learn not to fall again?
want to concentrate, but feel super empty inside... the emptiness is killing me that i juz keep finding ways to distract myself.. i really hate to be alone now, but i am... and perhaps always will be...

scared of being alone now.. haiz... but wad can i do? tot tt there'll be ppl around hall during the hols, but in the end i spent the whole day alone.. got some work done, but otherwise, no mood to do anything... juz feel very weird still.. was quite glad i wasnt alone the whole of last nite.. if not i really dunno wad i'll do... bitch say she feels happy for me.. in some way, i feel happy for myself too... but den.. i still feel lost... haiz... but den again.. i can only blame myself for letting this happen to me.. rite? haha... k la.. shall go sleep le.. meeting at 9am tmr.. i dun want to not noe wad to say... :p

weird feeling now... i noe i feel relieved, but at the same time i have to admit a tinge of weirdness when i received tt sms frm someone.. and i juz couldnt bring myself to talk after that... and no one actually realised that except for someone, whom i couldnt tell wad happen...

ok.. so its official.. it's ended... but in the first place, wad ever started? i dunno... i juz feel relieved... in fact.. very relieved.. i dun have to lie anymore.. i wun make anyone angry with me... i shud be happy... but the fact is.. am i?

i dunno wad i'm thinking anymore... weird blog.. juz ignore me...

haha.. yesterday i was still complaining that my buaya soo mean never do anything for me and the next moment someone knocked on my door and when i opened, i only could hear footsteps of a someone running down the stairs... and saw this in front of my door!! haha..

in case u al cannot see the words, its written "i'll love u till the end of time.. muakksss toothless grinz"

haha... so sweet rite?? lucky i nv publicly complain my buaya not good... if not will die.. haha...

die le.. later got mid terms, and i totally nv study the whole of yesterday.. spend most of my time sleeping or toking rubbish... haha.. and finally ask my paternal side of my family to come for my bday party le.. haha.. even the most interesting aunt, my dad oso helped me ask le.. we were even guessing wad her reaction will be, and obviously the unexpected happened!!!

dad: "will u be free on the 21st october?"

her: "why leh? u marrying ur daughter off ar??"

dad: "sth like tt.."

wah lao... she so scared i jia bu chu qu ar?? irritating.. but me and my cousins all had a good laugh... and we were trying to control our vol... haha... so she wun hear...

still sick... wonder when will i recover.. judging from this rate, i think wun be that fast ba... i got the asthma feeling again leh... haha... and someone blame it on poor piggy... dun think is its fault la.. though i think i better take it back to ying's room later.. haha.. com allo finally coming out today! so i can have meeting tmr le... k la.. i better go bathe and go sch and get ready to fail my test le.. *sobs* i deserve it..

very luan now... i dunno if my gut feelings are rite, but if it is, den i think i better avoid someone for some time first... sigh... hate it when this happen... but it always does mah!! *roar* when will my luck change?? i dun want to lead u on.. but i dun want to hurt u at the same time... so wad can i do?? i dunno... can someone tell me pls?? hopefully all this is juz a misunderstanding...

headache... i'm supposed to be studying now, but i juz cant concentrate.. shall finish blogging den study ba... actually, dunno wad to blog about oso... haiz... i only noe my headache is killing me... and my fats are increasing coz of the earthquake plus apple crumble plus choc milkshake float that i drank in swensens juz now... sigh... my jianfei ji hua always get ruined by my lian ti ying one... haha... so evil... i shall not meet up wif u for 1 month.. till my bday den meet u... haha... den i will sure jian fei one!!

was a bit scared going for driving today, coz it was raining very heavily!! luckily the rain manage to stop when i got into the car... so didnt affect that much.. yupz... my morning sleep was disturbed by msges frm some person who refuse to let me sleep in peace... haha... but i did manage to get back to sleep after a while... anyway, i got into the car, and the interesting adventure happened...

started driving and suppose to learn how to control the steering wheel today... and i nearly killed my instructor with my stunts.. :P well.. basically, i chose the wrong time slot, coz the whole circuit was crowded with cars that are waiting to do parallel parking.. and yar.. i admit till now i still dunno how to really brake, so i will only step on the brake when i am about to hit the car in front... (i always forget that i am no longer driving a bumper car..)

so wad happen today was i almost nearly hit the car in front of me for near 10 times... haha... clever rite?? and when i'm turning, the stoopid car in front always make me step on the brake coz they are driving way too slow... even without stepping on the accelerator while turning, i always almost hit them... so its not entirely my fault rite?? maybe i juz love to speed ba.. so with my ultra slow speed, i still manage to drive faster den many of them in the circuit... haha... and it does help when ur instructor tells u that u shud drive a bit faster on the straight road.. its fun stepping hard on the accelerator..

anyway, i hit the curb.. dun ask me why.. and when my instrutor open his side of the door to show me how much space i have before hitting the curb, i turn more and nearly hit the curb again... haha... and he almost died of heart attack again... guess my instructors better get more life insurance.. coz clearly letting me learn how to drive is a wrong idea... haha...

after my lessons, went to meet mum at s'pore post.. and since no bus goes directly to s'pore post, i had to walk from eunos all the way there... wrong choice... maybe i shud have juz taken a train from eunos to paya lebar... but i did survive that route... and i guess time heals all wounds...

ever wonder how a simple pathway that many walk past daily will bring back memories that seem to tear your heart apart everytime you walk past there? 4 years le... but it seems stuck.. everytime i walk past places that brings back memories, my breathing seem to come to a stop... though it seems less painful now, but i always wonder.. did i grow stronger, or is it juz i'm use to the pain that it juz seems less painful though the intensity is the same? i wonder how long more is this going to haunt me... how long will i have to suffer before i can be a normal person walking past the same route without thinking of u...

tears no longer flow from the outside, but i could feel it accumulating in me... wonder how could u juz walk away happily leaving me crushed... broken promises like we'll be the bestest frens which you didnt intend to keep, and which i naively believe u meant wad u said.. i guess wad i feel in me now is no longer anguish, but some unexplainable feelings... maybe i really gotten over u... or maybe is more of given up on u... but anyway, i feel happy for myself, that is if i ever achieved that... i noe one day i will, but when will the day come, i dunno...

enough of my depressing tots le.. better get back to study, so i can have fun tmr.. :P

bloody hell.. damn pissed now la.. sth is wrong wif my bio clock le... *rah*irritating... slept at 3 plus last nite, coz keep worrying about vc stuff, den keep waking up to look thru who to choose... and even after i finish sort of deciding who i want in my com... i still cannot get to sleep!! haiz... den finally i managed to get to sleep at 330am... and guess wad?? i woke up at 730am!! argh!! freaking 4 hours of sleep... and i try to go back to sleep.. but den.. here i am blogging!!!

sigh... i noe i desperately need my sleep... if not i will fall asleep in lecture one... really tired.. i actually skipped dinner last nite, coz of interviews... haha... imagine... i was interviewing ppl all the way from 6pm to 10pm... non stop... yesh... and the worse thing is when i finally tot i could finish, i realised there's still 2 more to go.. and i had to interview one in my room!! haha.. but i'm glad that i've my vice chair up le... so less to worry...

a record leh... interviewing 45 ppl in a day!! though i was mostly toking rubbish and laughing at scandals when blk d ppl come for interview... haha... and i was really very amused by the fact that one of the scandals which someone insist is not was actually one of the hot topics in blk d leh... haha... interesting.. maybe i shud begin to observe ppl more now... who noe? i might have more interesting stuff to laugh at.. :p

yeah.. finally i can go back home tonite... sigh... i can foresee a "study only" weekend... coz monday is midterms for cognitive... and fri is the deadline for adolescent critique... haha... and the stoopid thing is i have driving lessons on friday!! sigh... i think i might juz scare the instructor to death driving next week, coz i can foresee another sleepless thurs nite in order to complete my critique... or maybe i juz wun bother... haha...

anyway, i lost my bet yesterday.. coz i got a b for my rubbishly written essay... think i wun be soo lucky the next time... haha.. but guess there's no more next time ba.. i dun think i'll ever bet using my grades again... remember.. cap 5 this sem... haha... possibility 10%... sigh...

i miss someone now... weird.. haha... as a matter of fact... i miss a lot of ppl... miss bossie... miss da shu ji tuan clique.. and isis and some ppl from csc... haha... grant a wish was held beside psych soc table yesterday... so we were juz side by side... sigh... i miss being in csc... haha.. but its ok.. i have a totally new challenge ahead of me... hopefully i will do well in this challenge... den it will justify my reason of quitting csc (at least for this year).. okie.. i shall go sleep now.. coz my head feels heavy now... haha.. nitez

now i understand y ppl say time flies... yesh.. i am going to have my first mid terms test like next week... *faint* on top of that, critique is due in 10 days time... and i dun even understand wad the article is toking about... ok... at least for the stats part... argh!! thats it.. maybe i shud juz listen to sharon and go look for darren for tution.. haha... their name rhymes!! ok.. i realised i am super lame... haha...

and i realised another thing.. i can nv get things done till last minute.. for instance.. my assignment for soci... haha... i only manage to get it done like just only, coz its due tomorrow... haha.. its not i am slack.. i tried doing it during weekends.. but somehow, nothing seem to come out... seems like i only can churn out crap and rubbish ideas when i am super desperate... haha...

next... piggy is not a pig!!! haha... although i did say before i saw ppl keeping pigs as their pets in taiwan, but i believe that there's a law in s'pore that states that no pigs are allowed to be kept as pets? thats y there's no pigs farm in s'pore? haha... i was quite amused juz now when someone ask me why i can keep pig in my room... haha.... and while i am typing this, my lil piggy is sleeping again.. haha... sooo cute...

k la.. i shall return to my studying mode... hehe... made a bet with someone juz now that if my soci assignment is worse den his, den he cant play soccer for 1 week... haha... lets juz hope i wun do that badly la... okie.. back to mugging..

haha... that lil piggy... argh!!! he keeps running out of the cage!! caught it 3 times and it still keep running out... den i realised how it came out... coz i didnt close the thing properly... haha... and it's soooo cute... he came out and hid behind the fridge... and how i noe he came out?? coz he was squeeking super loudly la... *roar* that naughty lil piggy... wanted to do my work, but it juz keep running out... how to concentrate?? haha... but i still luv it... he's the cutest lil piggy!!

haha.. say till so kong bu.. actually only got 2 lor.. but first time i'm typing a proposal all by myself, with no one to help me look at it den have to submit to director le, so a bit scared... but yar... other den that, i think its ok la... juz that i seriously hate thinking.. maybe i'm a bimbo afterall... haha... one without the looks to begin with...

anyway, couldnt get to sleep last nite till 6am... haha.. weird... usually i would sleep a lot, but juz couldnt get to sleep, so went to study my cognitive lor.. and finally finish that disgusting chapter... after 3 days... haha... coz i will usually get distracted by piggy... but yesterday no distractions, except the constant thinking of wad i shud do for the last mini project for vc.. so yar... could study..

miss piggy now!! haiz... horrible weekend... think i will be missing him thru the whole weekend la.. when i go back, he sure become skinnier... sigh... really regretted not bringing it home.. at least when i'm bored still can play... but there's sooo much to be done this weekend, i doubt i will even have time to be bored la... :p k la.. i shall go sleep le..

haha.. studying cognitive psych now... maybe automatic encoding is not such a nice thing afterall... i guess when memories that once used to be soo sweet come back to revisit u time and again when u dun want to think of it, coz it will make u feel hurt all over again, u really think it sux... sometimes i wish i could really move on... but den, it seems like when i really tot i moved on, maybe afterall i didnt... hopefully my mum removed the sheeps on my ceiling when i go back tmr... haha... but den, so wad if she did? there are still stars on my wall... painful reminder of the unfulfilled promises, which will lead to painful reminder of a betrayal.. wonder when will i ever forget all these painful memories... seems like things never did run smoothly for me after that... if there is a chance for me to choose the memory that i want to erase, would i choose to erase that part of it? maybe i would... but maybe i wouldnt... like i said memories are sweet, but painful... i would like to keep the sweet part, not the painful part, but its impossible...
really miss u.. but i noe i wouldnt want to see u again.. guess u never did expect how scared i am everytime i pass by places that we went and hear the song u sang to me and recall all those things we used to do... i'm scared that i will break down again... told myself i will be strong, but i dun think i am...
when will all this end???

emotional roller coaster...
maybe i am juz not strong enough to take all these
maybe i shud learn to grow up more
maybe i shud learn to hurry up reach the state of numbness
maybe i shud juz learn to ignore things that will make me upset
maybe i shud learn to be someone else that is totally opposite of me
maybe i shud learn to be a hermit like he once said
maybe i shud learn to bottle up sadness
maybe i shud learn to filter the feeling of wanting to cry, and accumulate them so that i can release them all at the end of the day instead of running back to my room or hide somewhere everytime i feel like crying
maybe i shud noe my limits
maybe i shud juz leave...

haiz.. i really dunno if i made the right choice... maybe the decision i made was too extreme le.. but haiz... and now.. i dunno if wad i'm doing now is wad i really want to do... argh!! it juz seems like no one is helping at all.. haiz... nearly burst out juz now, but was holding back my tears... it juz seems like i really cant take disappointments... maybe i shudnt have agreed to this.. maybe i shud have stick to my mugging plans... soo much maybes... haiz... if i say i dun want to do it already, wad will happen? coz i seriously dun feel like doing it anymore... extremely hurt..

i really dun think i can take all this shit anymore... really dreary of this... y are those who are supposed to help not helping? haiz... i tried to be happy... i try not to think of everything anymore, but den.. why are things still going this way?

bad mood alert: i'm in a extremely sensitive state now... will ignore negative comments or suaning... i noe i am fat and ugly... ppl.. dun need to remind me le... i noe i'm not chio, or pretty in comparison to other ppl around me, and i never did say that i was pretty or anything of that sorts, soo stop thrusting the facts to me... it really hurts... and i'm 99% towards not feeling anything towards these comments, sort of accepting it as a fact...

*turning psycho soon.. maybe its time i shud move back home*

haha.. i forgot to post this on the previous blog about my first driving lesson!! haha.. i narly died la... very funny.. coz the instructor told me to step on the accelerator, den i guai guai step lor... in the end, the thing went up to super high la... to about 6 or 7.. haha... den he was quite shocked and he say " wah.. lucky the handbrake still not released... if the handbrake released, ur car fly already.." den for the rest of the lesson i was damn stressed la.. coz i cant control the accelerator... i juz cant step gently leh... ok.. maybe i am juz too chor lor le la.. but i really try my best to step lightly le lor.. den the brake oso.. i juz cant step gently... but i really try my best not to step soo hard le!!

den we drove at the circuit there... haha... he very funny la... tell me dun be scared to hit the curb.. he say wun so easily hit one... hit le den come decide wad to do... but luckily never hit the curb at all... if not i really will stop learning how to drive... haha....

den i told my dad about the accelerator thing, den he dun believe, so i tried that stunt on his bmw... haha... and he believe le... haha... think he confirm wun let me touch his car le... den while he nag at me, he brought up a very funny point.. "you never drive before meh? go arcade that time never go play those racing game meh?" den suddenly i realise why i find it soo hard to step lightly le... coz in arcade u step the accelerator all the way mah... hello.. its racing leh!! den i told him my point, and he kept quiet... but really leh... it's really not good to play too much racing games!! if not, they might face the same problem as me!!

haha.. k la.. enough le.. i got to go bathe, if not sure late for lessons one...

realised i haven been blogging for quite long le... haha... there's juz soo much that happened la.. :p shall start from the a bit more serious stuff... fred, michelle, calvin (though i noe u dun read my blog), yuzheng (another one that i dun think read my blog), dun be too upset over the election results k? so sorry i couldnt go down to support u al on sat... i really wanted to go, but i had to support my block soccer, and had sth to do after that... so yar... but i'm sure all of u did your best! its ok... michelle, please remember to store my hp no!! haha... i really think u, fred, and cal would have made a good heads for csc, but since the results are like that, den juz try again next year k??

next... haha... the funny things that happened today!! well... basically we paid a fengshui guy $688 to come to look at my house... haha... damn freaking funny la... all the rubbish he say.. he say my room is good for studying... hahaha... den y are my grades still like that?? den besides that... he say the position i am sleeping fan tao hua... which suppose to means that i have a lot of guys after me, which is absolutely rubbish!! haha... but there are a few things that he said that are true la... like my whole family have gastric problems, and that i keep snacking, coz my sleeping position is facing the kitchen... haha... really very funny.. i cant stop making myself think its really rubbish after tt... but anyway, thanx to him, i am going to have a renovation for my house, and i will have to switch rooms with my bros.... *sobs* there goes my big room...

okie.. back to studying le... haven been studying for the weekend, coz of my new frosted pink gameboy advance!! haha... coz mummy bought for me... soo happy!! the sims 2 is really fun on gameboy advance lor... its like harry potter game!! haha.. i love it!! so for my bday pressies, u al can buy gameboy games for me le... haha...

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name: moomoo
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